Seven reasons why
by Princess007
Summary: One day he comes home and finds it, a box with cassette tapes, which gonna change his life forever. They are recorded by Emily. The same Emily he always had a crush on. The same Emily who killed herself just to weeks ago. He gets to know the seven reasons why Emily committed suicide. Seven people she blames. Derek is one of them.
1. Chapter 1

**Well, this is based on the book "Thirteen reasons why". Hope you enjoy it.  
****I DON'T OWN CRIMINIAL MINDS OR "THIRTEEN REASONS WHY" (That's for the whole story; I won't write it everytime) **

My foot tapped nervously on the ground as I waited.  
"Sir?"  
"W-What?" I snapped out of my thoughts.  
"15 $, please." The blonde, about thirty year old woman said annoyingly. "That doesn't really help, does it?" She pointed at my lukewarm coffee on the counter with one of her pink painted nails.  
I just shrugged and put put twenty dollars on the counter. "Keep the rest." I muttered and walked to the exit, ignoring the woman's suddenly friendly expression.  
My mind was filled was filled with only one thing.  
Emily.  
Or better, Emily's voice.  
The things she told…I shuddered. Maybe not being fully awake was better, I'd be able to forget about the things she said.  
But I knew I would never forget it. Never forget her story.  
I walked into the BAU building, and crossed her empty desk. I felt a sting in my heart as it wrenched.  
She'd never come back.  
I knew I wouldn't be able to look at Hotch without thinking of her now, there will always be this subtle anger directed towards him. But he will know soon enough, the tapes will get to him as well.  
I let myself fall on my chair, watching Reid quietly waving.  
It wasn't the same without her, it was so quiet.  
Not that she had talked a lot in her … last few days here.  
Once again I stared at the nameplate with _Emily Prentiss _written on it.  
The nameplate of the woman I had a secret crush on.  
The nameplate of the woman who killed herself just two weeks ago.

You wanna know her story? You wanna know what _really _happened?  
Then press _Play_.

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**Just a short introduction in the story. Hope you liked and leave a review if you want me to continue. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Here we are again, hope you enjoy. This time it gets creepy.**

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Yesterday:

Derek slid out of the car and closed the door. A small push on his car keys and it locked, shortly after a flicker of light lightened up the dark. They way to one of his houses wasn't long so he spotted it right away. A small smile played on his lips at the sight of the little shoebox laying on his front porch.  
Maybe the DVDs he ordered online, or a secret admirer even?  
Fast he walked closer and picked it up.  
No sender. International?  
I shrugged and carried it inside, putting it on the table. While I slipped of my jacket I caught a glimpse of a picture and shuddered.  
She was still smiling, had she faked it all the time?  
I tried to convince myself that she didn't, that there were at least some times that she was happy.  
Maybe when we- No. It really wasn't the time to think of that. I poured myself a drink before I dug a pair of scissors out of the kitchen drawer. With the blade of the scissors I sliced through the transparent tape and lifted the lid of the box.  
Whatever was in the box was wrapped in paper. A lot of paper. I started pulled it off, carefully so I wouldn't damage the contents. What I found made me raise an eyebrow.  
Cassette tapes.  
There were four of them and on each side of each tape there was a number. On the first side 1 and if you turned it around 2, and so on and so on.  
Was this a joke? Nobody listened to tapes anymore. I didn't even think I had a cassette recorder somewhere.  
But wait? Yes, there was still one in the garage. Carefully I took the bunch of tapes and walked down to the garage. It was a small room, the floor was full of sawdust and paint splatters, which were on the floor as well as the workbenches. I looked around and finally spotted it in the corner, right beside where a shovel was leaning. I walked over and picked it up, putting in on the nearest workbench, before pulling a small chair over.  
Alright, first tape. I put it in and somehow my heart started beating faster.  
I press _Play._

** -O-**

At first there is just silence. Only the sound of the tape turning.  
_Hello listeners, Emily Prentiss here. Live and in stereo.  
_No.  
_No, don't be confused. I'm still dead. I just thought maybe you'd be interested in the story of my life. More importantly, why it ended. If you're listening to this you're one of the reasons why.  
_Wait! No! I fumbled with the buttons and hit more at once.

** -O-**

This isn't possible. Emily killed herself. She isn't here anymore.  
I swallowed. And why should I be one of the reasons why? I can't remember hurting her in any way! After she killed herself, I often asked myself if I even knew her. If this was really her, recording those tapes… she wouldn't have sent them without a reason. With shaking fingers I raise my hand, barely able to press Play a second time. The first time was easy, I didn't knew what to expect, but now that I knew that it would be her voice coming out of the speakers it was like putting his own hand into fire.  
I took me a few minutes before I managed to press play again.

** -O-**

_Now you may think this box was sent to you by mistake but trust me, if you received this lovely little box your name will pop up, I promise.  
Why would a dead girl lie?  
_I could hear her chuckling on the other side and shivered, was this some kind of sick suicide note?  
_Well, there are two rules and there are very simple.  
Rule number one, you listen.  
Rule number two, you pass it on to the person that comes after you after you.  
I hope neither one of them will be easy for you. So now where do we start?  
No wait! I almost forgot! If you received this tapes you also have a map._

The map. It was somewhere in a pocket inside my jacket, probably totally creased. I stood up and walked back into the house. Everything around me was a blur, there was still Emilys voice in my head.  
_You're one of the reasons why.  
_What could I have done? I shook my head to get a clear sight on the jacket and its pocket. I fumbled around until I found it and pulled it out. It was folded and I unfolded it. I still remembered that I wanted to ask around if somebody else got one. But then Emilys death came and I had completely forgotten about it.  
There was still something written on it and now that I watched closer I recognized Emilys handwriting.  
_SAFE IT – YOU'LL NEED IT  
_Quietly I walked back down, staring at the map all the time. Why the hell did she sent me this stuff? My fist clenched my fists so hard that I was worried about tearing the map apart, so I tried to loosen my grip. It was full of small red dots all over D.C.  
When I sat down in front of the recorder, I knew I couldn't sit here all night. Not while Emily blamed me for her death. I had to be mobile at least.  
But how?  
Reid.  
Reid had an old Walkman, that surely played tapes. I made plan to visit Reid and ask him for the Walkman as soon as I had finished the first tape. I also thought if I should take the bus or the car, or if I should walk. I knew I was stalling. I just didn't want to press play again.  
But after a few more deep breaths I did.

**-O-**

_Now I'm sure everybody has this map you'll see a lot of red dots. You can go visit them but you don't have to. I can't control it, I probably don't even see it.  
But maybe I do, maybe I'm standing right behind you.  
Boo!  
_I jumped on the bench and turned around. Nothing.  
Damn Emily.  
_I've actually no idea about the _afterlife. _So we can't be sure, can we?  
So this is how it works. You listen and after you're finished you'll sent the tapes to the person that got his little tale after yours. The unlucky person seven can rot in hell with these tapes, maybe we even meet there.  
And by the way, just for those considering throwing these tapes away and not passing them on, you're being watched. I made a copy of these tapes and if the ones you listen to shouldn't make their way through all of you, the copies will be made public. For some of you that wouldn't be so bad but for the others?  
Well, your decision.  
Now that we have talked about this we should get started. First story.  
Hello John Cooley.  
_

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**I hope you liked it and leave a review.  
****BTW: Is the meaning of the signs clear or do you want me to explain them?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here we are again, next chapter. Hope you enjoy and leave a review. **

John Cooley? The one we had saved from the priest?  
I took out the tape and turned it around. I needed to hear what this guy did.  
_John, you still remember homecoming?  
Because I do.  
My mother and I had just moved to Rome. I was totally new. Again. But well, I learned to cope. No wait, considering that I killed myself, I probably didn't. But that's a whole different thing.  
Now John, you do remember Matthew, don't you? And how we used to meet in the coffee-shop around the corner of our school? How we could talk about everything? I remember that you liked that, to listen to my problems. You then always put a hand on my thigh and you said that everything was going to be okay. And one day, when I just got a new cup of coffee, you talked to Matthew about, how hot I was, remember that? I bet you don't remember that I listened to you. Now all of this would have even be okay but then came the homecoming ball.  
You knew I was drunk.  
Maybe you even slipped something into my drink, that's something that I don't remember.  
_Slip something into her drink? What the hell did this bastard do to her?  
_You walked me upstairs and I saw that this jerk from the football team gave you a thumbs up. Apparently you weren't the only guy who thought I was _hot. _It was all fuzzy but I _was_ awake, something that isn't really normal for me, usually I can't to hold my liquor. Damn it, you heard that? I said can't. Present. Can't do that anymore.  
Anyway, I wish I'd been out for that.  
_She snorted and I clenched my fist. Son of a bitch. I really thought about hitting the stop button and fast-forward since I didn't know how graphic she's gonna be. But I actually I found myself unable to move a limb. I was totally paralyzed because of her voice. Because of her story.  
_I woke up in the back of your car, only in my underwear. You said that I had drunk too much and actually stripped. You managed to blame to whole thing on me didn't you? The stripping thing was also something the whole school knew about after two days. Thank you John. There were some students that came to me and asked if I wanted to fuck all of the boys on the party or if I was satisfied with one. Rumors even said that I begged them all to fuck me and the other boys seemed to enjoy joining your story, John. Being called a slut, a whore, sometimes it was also a bitch. It became normal for me, well as normal as it can become if you get insulted all day long.  
_She must have hurt so badly, no matter how tough she played right now. Maybe I should have told her that I never thought she was a slut, maybe it would have made a difference.  
The word 'maybe' gave me a hard time. Why? Because it was too late._  
I have never been a slut, just for the record, but if you hang on, we have a whole other tape about that._  
_So I don't wanna go into detail about anything else but you did change something John. I could have overcome that you, well what did you do? Did you think I _wanted _it? Because I didn't, trust me about that. So I'd consider that as rape. If you don't think so you can find the other people on this tape and tell them that you didn't rape me, I don't care, but I guess that they wouldn't be that easy on you if they heard about our lovely little fairy tale.  
_The way her voice softened I knew she was talking about me. And she was right. I wouldn't let him live.  
_Well, where did I stop? Oh yeah, I might have gotten over this night but your desires started something that I use to call snowball effect. If you give it a push and it starts rolling then it gets bigger. And bigger, and bigger. And one day it's so big that it starts smashing things.  
John, honey, you just gave the push.  
_There was silence. I waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. The story was over.

I took out the tape and stood up. I picked up the other tapes from the dusty countertop and walked back up to the kitchen. I felt angry and sad at the same time. Angry because, right now I felt like killing John Cooley and I would have moved heaven and earth to pay him back for what he did to Emily. Sad, because I didn't want her to go through something like that. She has always been a precious part of my life, of myself, even if she often retreated back into her shell. I stuffed the tapes into my jacket and walked out. It was almost scary even unpleasant not to hear her voice. She had been so close.  
This John guy had raped her… I felt my fist clenching again but my chest constricted. If John was only the push…What could be worse? What could _I _have done to hurt her?  
Dwelling in my thoughts I didn't even notice that I was already at Spencer's until I hear him call.  
"Morgan, hey! What are you doing?"  
I was startled and turned around to face him. I tried to get my thoughts back into the present and put on a smile. I knew it was a nervous one and Reid as a profiler surely noticed.  
"Everything okay?" He tilted his head and I nodded, unsure you to ask him. My request was definitely not a usual one.  
"Uhm, I just wanted to ask you if, well, if you could, uhm, borrow me you Walkman?"  
Reid noticed my stammering and examined me until I crossed my hands above my chest.  
Something Emily did often.  
"So?"  
"Yeah of course, but what happened to the super-cool IPod you showed me just two weeks ago?" He grinned at me and then remembered. His smile fell. The day I showed him the IPod was the day Emily didn't show up for work. She'd never show up again.  
"Do you wanna come in, while I get it?" Reid asked and I shook my head.  
"No. I'll wait here."  
He nodded and agreement and walked slowly inside and about ten minutes he came back outside, a small neon-orange Walkman with headphones in his hands. He handed them over and looked at me concerned.  
"Do you even have tapes?"  
"Some." I shrugged and turned around, walking away.  
"Goodbye Derek, and take care!" Spencer called behind me.  
"Bye." I muttered and I knew he was afraid I'd do something stupid.

**Now this story is going to deal with a lot of stuff but there's one thing I want all my readers to know. Actually two.  
Of course killing herself had been Emilys decision and only hers, but there were people that set of a chain of events that made her take this step.  
Now another thing is that I decided to stop reading the book for now since I don't want any copied story's in this fic.  
Alright. Hope you leave a review! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, here is the next chapter! Just one thing at the beginning. I switched the time from past to present, since it's easier for me to write it that way :)  
**

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I walk around in the neighbourhood of Reid's apartment, it was a nice one. White fences and stuff.  
My fingers twitch as I think about putting the next tape in. But I feel too overwhelmed right now, too occupied with thinking about Emily, about her first story. About why she even made those tapes and most important about what she has to say about me.  
Now I know what she meant when she said that for some people it will be bad if tapes become public. Considering that John Cooley raped her is already a good reason for him to send the tapes to the person after him. I wondered if she really has a way to make this tapes public or if it's just a bluff. Something she just said to make sure everybody passes them on.  
When would someone be willing to take the risk of not sending them?  
One thing was for sure, I wouldn't.  
I take a deep breath before I took out the next tape and put it in. I hear the buzzing of the tape before her voice once again is coming from the speakers.

_Yeah! Look at you guys, we made it through the first tape, great I'm proud of you! Kind of. Thanks for hanging on for the next part of my story.  
Where to start? Hmm, do you even now how difficult it is to find the right point where you can start your story properly? Still have problems with that. I guess we just start with the end of the last story.  
So the snowball rolls. Now I'm gonna tell how it picked up speed.  
You all know the person next on this tape. She's the one, I know well enough to be sure that she sends this little box to the next person, since a good reputation has always been very important to her.  
If it came out that she was actually partially responsible for someone killing herself, well wouldn't be good.  
You can already think of someone? Yeah, I knew you were all smart.  
Hey mum, welcome to the show.  
_Her mother? Elizabeth Prentiss? I knew she had never been a good mother but I hadn't believed that she would appear on this tapes.  
_Yes, mother, you're next. You don't know why? Yep, I can believe that. You've always managed to blame everybody else for your mistakes so you'd have a clean record.  
Now why I really wanted you on those tapes is because of your actions the day I told you I was pregnant.  
_Pregnant? She was pregnant?! In Rome she was fifteen years old! She never mentioned a child. Did she give it away? It would have been the only thing that fit with Emily. _  
Oh yeah, didn't mention that before, Johns little adventure left something behind. Something he decided to ignore, to dismiss. You would have gotten along with my mother very well, John.  
Mother, you were furious about that, about the baby, weren't you? You screamed and shouted and I saw you weren't much different from the students at school. You called me a filthy little slut. I told you what really happened, but you didn't believe me, no _believing_ seems wrong. Believing would mean that you listened to my side of the story, which you unfortunately didn't. Do you know how hard it is if your own mother doesn't trust you? If you're being called a slut by the only person you thought would never hurt you? For you information, mother, Words do hurt. They have an impact, they leave scars, just the ones you can't see. The kind of scars from which I have so many.  
_Her anger which had been constant in the whole story waves off. There's only the sadness left, the betrayal. I can't believe that her mother said that to her, calling his own kid a slut, was just- I clench my fist to keep myself from punching something. She is quiet for a while and I know she is trying to regain her composure. Her breathing slows down again and I can relax to. It is hard to believe that she is still affecting and manipulating my feelings even if she isn't her, even if I just hear her voice.  
Now that she calmed down, she starts again. Her voice is thick with emotion, if there are even tears? I can't tell.  
_You made me have an abortion. I was pleading, begging. I wanted to keep it. I knew I was too young, I would have given it into the adoption system, I would have made sure that it was safe. I just didn't want to kill it.  
_She's close to crying now. I can hear it in the way her voice thickens, I can picture her, with a few tears running over her cheek, blaming herself for something that wasn't her fault. _  
But that didn't concern you. I still remember what you said that night.  
"What would other people say if you started showing, huh? They would know it, they would know the rumors are true. You're not gonna have this baby, appointment with the doctor's tomorrow. Now get some sleep, sweetheart."  
Sweetheart. You called me sweetheart. In the one sentence you practically confirm that I am a slut, in the next you call me sweetheart.  
You made me kill my baby. You made me murderer.  
_No, Emily. You're not the murderer here.  
_I've never been able to look into your eyes again, and not remember it. And one last thing. You have now two deaths on your conscience. How long, how much will it take 'till you can't look in the mirror anymore?  
Matthew, the same Matthew we talked about earlier, he took me to the doctor. Mother was too busy with her work, but my guess is that she just didn't want to be seen with her daughter. Matthew helped me through the whole procedure, holding my hand. He's been one of my best friends, I miss him.  
But now, we don't wanna get too emotional. The show must go on, right? Mother and I haven't spoken much since then and as soon as I was eighteen I flew from home. And that already leads us to the next story.  
Clyde, sweetie, you're next. _

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**IMPORTANT: All my ideas turned around Hotch will appear AFTER Morgan not before him! I'll have to rewrite the first chapter but there's not gonna be a major change.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Here is the next chapter! Sorry for the delay, the updates will come more frequent now.  
I'd like to thank you all for your reviews they are great!  
ENJOY!**

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Well, here we go again! I wonder how all of you are dealing with what we heard 'till now?

Not good, Emily. I´m not dealing well.

_I have been thinking a lot lately, about everything._

Me? Did you think about me, too? Did you think about me when you did it? I always wonder.

_There was this one point in my life, when I knew that nothing was ever going to change, that it would just become worse. That's when I started to think about killing myself. At first it was an insignificant thought, not really important. It just appeared, when we had a lot of work to do, or a case was affecting me a little more than it should. It´s this "God, I think I'm gonna kill myself" thought.  
_  
We all have this thoughts, I think it myself sometimes, even say it out loud, but there was no way would act on it. Ever. Made made you act on it, Emily? I need to know, more importantly I need to know my part in it.

_But then it became a constant thought, always in the back of my head. It became an option, worth considering. I´ve been sitting in my apartment for the last few days now, trying to figure out how to do it. I thought about slitting my wrists, but honestly? The thought of bleeding to death scares the shit out of me. An all the blood, gross, somebody´s gotta clean it up right? So that isn´t an option. Hanging myself is also out, i don´t wanna anybody to find me dangling from the ceiling, all blue and stuff. I could shot myself, I suppose. I´m an agent I have a gun, but it think I wouldn't be able to pull the trigger._

You decided that pills would be the right option, why you did it was something that remained a mystery. Until now.

_All I know is that I haven't much time to figure it out, because there are just two days left, 'cause in two days I'm going to do it. You know what, we should stop calling _it_ it. Let's face it. Suicide. In two days I'm going to commit suicide._

Two days. She knew it for two days and still remembered how composed she was, maybe even a little happier than she was before. And still it makes me incredibly angry and sad at the same time. There would have been two days to save her. Two fucking days to save her life.

_Oh god, I'm sorry Clyde. I'm sure you're flipping out about all my talking that's so nonrelevant. Alright, let's get it over with, should we? Uhm, yeah we'll start at the very beginning from this time because you need to hear all of it. Every tiny little piece of information. So, after the whole ordeal with my mother was working on a mission with Interpol. You know which mission I'm talking about, don't you Clyde? Of course you do. I can't tell you about the mission itself but I can tell you how I got to work on it. For that you have to know that there has always been a physical interest between Clyde and me. It started after my first days there, at first it were comments, then a brush of your arm here and there, and honestly I can't say I didn't like it. You were first man I felt attracted to since John's…well. And for me it wasn't only physical attraction. For me it was much, much more. I had a pretty strong crush on you. It may sound like a school girl now, but I was behaving like a school girl back then. I would make sure I look pretty for you every time I left the apartment and I would blush if you said something nice._

Oh, I'm sure he feels flattered.

_And it as you could expect, we ended up in bed together. I was practically a virgin in consensual sex for that matter. Next morning you got out of bed and your goodbye was. "Did good at your test. You're perfect for Do-" No, wait can't say his name in public, right Clyde? The matter of fact is that my first time was a test. I got the main part in this mission and suddenly everybody knew. Everybody knew we spent this one night together and everybody was convinced I slept my way up to that certain position. I could have lived with that, I could have changed my job but you wouldn't guess who was working at the same department as I did. She worked at the BAU later, but don't worry she's got her own tape. She practically gave the snowball an engine so it could go even faster. But to stay with you Clyde; Words can't even explain how tired I was of being used. I gave you my heart, Clyde, thinking you loved me back, but I guess you just wanted to use it for a while then smash it. My heart wasn't a playground. You should have played somewhere else.  
_

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There's a quiet _Click _and I know she's finished. Clyde's story was short, he's just I gap filler, I think. I walk around, looking up. The night had closed in and it was completely dark around me. I still have no idea where I'm going until I find myself in front of a small coffee shop. The sight of it let my heart wrench. It was the small coffee shop Emily showed me. It wasn't in a good shape and I wouldn't have gone in but she practically dragged me in there. I remembered it, like it was yesterday.

"_You're gonna love it!" She pulled my towards the closed glass door with the blue frame.  
"I'm not so sure about that. I mean, look at it." I muttered, staring at the exfoliated colours façade.  
Her expression saddened. "It's not always what it seems. It's just a façade."  
_  
I know now that she was talking about her. That her cheeriness that day was just a façade. That inside of her it was completely different.  
_  
Noticing the change, I tried to lighten up the mood. "Your wish is my command, so let's go."  
We went in and little bells rang as I pushed the door open for her. The owner of the small coffee shop smiled and greeted her.  
"Hey Em. As always?" He asked and she nodded.  
"Make two!" She called and turned around to face me. "I hope you don't mind already ordering for you, but I promise his hot chocolate is the best you have ever had."  
I shook my head and together we sat on a small table. It was quiet for a while and I watched her thinking, her eyebrows arched together unconsciously biting her bottom lip.  
_  
I quietly walk into the shop and greet the owner. He smiles sadly at me before he starts preparing a hot chocolate. He handed it to me, after he finished. I wanted to hand him the money but he pushed my hand back gently. "The only thing I want is that you remember her, whenever you come in here, alright?" His was voice soft and I nod. I sit on the table we we're sitting all this time ago.  
_  
"What are you thinking about?"  
Her head snapped up and she stared at me in shock for a few seconds before she answered me. "A lot of things."  
"Like?" I pushed the matter, trying desperately to find out a little bit more about the mystery this woman was.  
"Can we please not talk about it?" She pleaded and I knew something was wrong but she seems not comfortable with it. She would tell me when she was ready to tell me.  
_  
Or so I thought. I should have make her tell me, now I will always wonder what would have happened if she had had someone to talk. I take a sip of my hot chocolate, engrossing in my thoughts again.  
_  
We stepped out into the cold winter's air, pulling our coats closer. Before we said our goodbyes I had to get something off my chest. "You can always come to me, no matter how bad it seems. I promise, I'll be there."  
She nodded and because it was so dark I couldn't see the tears that appeared in her eyes.  
"Thank you." She whispered, then she turned around and walked away.  
_

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**Hope you liked it. Kind of struggled with that chapter. I hope you leave a review though! :))**


	6. Chapter 6

**So here's the next chapter, have fun!**

I haven't pressed play for a while now. Memories of her are flooding around in my mind. Every memory I had from her warm up his heart but as soon as I know that the scene, playing in my head comes to an end it tears me apart from inside. It is strange and funny at the same time how the memories I hold so close are becoming my worst enemy. Suddenly it seems that the thoughts I wanted to persevere and hold up to the light and view from every angle, that I put them in a box, lock them in and throw away the key, so they can't hurt me again. My memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook me, others tear me open and leave me in pieces.  
After some time walking in silence I can't fight the urge to hear her voice again. I know this is the fourth story and that it's coming to an end, sooner or later. Then she will be gone for good.  
I press play anyway.

_Wow.  
_  
It's the first thing she says after a long silence.

_Fourth story already, we're making progress here. Almost can't believe it._

She chuckles and I shiver. Just get to the point Emily. Please. Am I next? I need to know.

_You know, why am I doing this? Pulling this whole thing off?_

She is serious now and I'm thinking, too. I want her to tell me why she did it; does it; whatever.

_I wasn't sure myself in the beginning but then it hit me.  
I need people to know. I need all of you to know that I wanted it. That all of this hasn't been an accident. That there were reasons, and I want it to mean something, to change something. I don't want my death to be purport-less. That's why getting killed by an unsub was quickly wiped from my mind. People need to know that I'm okay with what I'm doing, happy of some kind._

I start realising it. Just a little, it's still hard to understand.

_But I won't bother you with my whining. Let's get some work done and give a warm welcome to our next guest. Jordan Todd._

Jordan? Jordan as in JJ's substitute- Jordan? I can't really believe it, she always seemed so nice, I even flirted with her. What the hell did she do?

_To get straight to the point: I trusted you, Jordan. That's why I told you about the kiss._

The kiss? What kiss? Gosh, Emily, you're killing me.

_The kiss I think you all know about. The kiss the whole bureau knew about. The kiss that got me into Strauss office.  
Just to clear things up a bit. My new team and I went to a bar after a hard case and well I and a special someone who has his own tape here kissed me. No, that sounds like I didn't want it. I can't say I didn't like it but it was irrelevant. We kissed because we were both lonely, we were both seeking for some love, especially after his divorce._

Wait. It hit me like a lightening. I know who she was kissing that night. We all knew it, better we all heard about it.

_It was irrelevant until I told you about it, Jordan. I told about it because I trusted you.  
A simple kiss was all that happened. But I bet you told them something else, didn't you? You told them you how I couldn't even keep my fingers off him while he called a cab, or how I was unbuttoning his shirt before we even left the bar._

She's telling the truth. That was what we all heard the next morning.

_But that didn't happen.  
The next morning I went into the bureau I got my blouse ripped open. To the last button. That was the moment I knew you had told everyone.  
Do you even know how humiliating that was?_

I remember that day. The minute I stepped out of the elevator she rushed towards the stairs, tears on her cheeks. I wanted to stop her and know what happened, but she didn't acknowledge me.  
I should have talked to her. Why the hell didn't I talk to her?  
_  
I guess you don't. You've always been one to gossip with, I should have seen it from the beginning. But it was just a story too good to keep to yourself, wasn't it Jordan?  
You didn't think about the consequences though.  
Or did you know I would get slaps on my ass from that day on? Or get pulled into storeroom from time to time? Or that I would find condoms on the passenger seat of my car?  
And everyone believed you. And why shouldn't they? The new rumours, and that's all that they were; rumours; fitted so nicely with what you heard from my Interpol times.  
And yeah, Jordan was the nice and sweet girl who worked at Interpol the same time I did.  
You see how everything starts to fit? Your rumours weren't an apology but they gave them a permission to do, what they did. This was no spur of the moment decision, this was building for a long time.  
And maybe Jordan, just maybe, you think about me before you talk about someone else. And I hope every thought of me hurts you, just like you hurt me._

After a long silence I hit the stop button and sit down on the pavement. I take a deep breath, I don't think I can take any more of this. Everything she says reminds me of my own ignorance, of how I let her go through this just because she was a good actress. I didn't ask how she was doing, I didn't even ask how she got her blouse ripped open like that. However, now that I think about me, there has always been this pleading look in her eyes, screaming _Help! _  
My eyes are burning and I have this feeling that I can't hold the tears back for any time longer if she keeps going like that. If I don't know what I did. What if I'm number 7?   
_The unlucky person seven can rot in hell with these tapes.  
_I shiver when suddenly a car stops right in front of me. It's a grey suburban and I recognize it's Spencer's. I stand up and blink furiously to let every evidence of my weakness disappear.  
I open the door and lean in. "What are you doing here?"  
He just looks at me and indicates for me to get in the car. "Get in."  
"What? Why?"  
"Just get in the car, Derek. I'll explain, I promise."  
I shook my head but get in any way. What's the worst thing that can happen?  
I place the Walkman in my lap and watch Reid stare at it. Does he know about the tapes? Is he on them? I don't know but I decide to take the risk.  
"Do you know something about it?"  
Spencer shrugs and my eyes widen. I'm a profiler, I can see that he's hiding something.  
"You're on them?"  
"No." He shakes his head and keeps driving nowhere particular. "You're the fifth person I'm following around."  
I stare at him in disbelief and rip the earphones out. "Why?"  
_I made a copy of these tapes and if the ones you listen to shouldn't make their way through all of you, the copies will be made public.  
_And suddenly I realize what she needs Spencer for. He was or better is her reassurance that these tapes find all the attentive ears the are meant for.

"Did you listen to them?" I whisper. What if he did? Does he already what I did to her? I can never look him in the eye again if he does.  
"No. I only have a list of the correct order."  
I sigh in relief, at least he will never know. But there's still one thing I want to know.  
"Did she give them to you while she was still alive?" I swallow.  
He nods and looks at me. It's so late that the street is almost empty so I don't complain. "She said I would know when to open it. She explained everything to me in a letter." The genius jaw tightened. I somehow feel that he would have expected more than a letter. Still, a letter was more than the most of us got.  
"Can I read it?"  
"No." The harshness in his words surprises me and he glances at me apologetically. "It's not you, it's just that it's the only thing I have left of her." He sighs and I can see the tears he's willing to hold back glancing in his eyes.  
"It's alright. I'm sorry." I whisper and silence filled the car. We both have to deal with this definitely unconventional topic. About our friend that killed herself and sent tapes around to explain why.  
After a few minutes of driving quietly Reid speaks up. "What's the last story you heard?"  
"Jordan."  
Reid sucks in a breath and I look at him.  
"What is it?" I question. I know something's up.  
"Nothing."  
"Reid?"  
"Just keep listening." He orders but I shake my head.  
"I won't start listening again before you don't tell me what's up." I watch him thinking until he sighs.  
"You're next."

**Dun, dun, dun! So that was the end of the chapter.  
**_**TheMysteriousGeek2345 **_**was the only one who realized that Reid had also something to do with the tapes. He wasn't on them but still :) As a little reward I write you a one-shot about any topic you want :) Just PM me about it and I'll try to get it done as soon as I can!  
I guess that's all so go ahead and leave a review so I can crack a smile today :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay, the person we all have been waiting for!  
Before you start reading I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR GREAT REVIEWS!  
THANK YOU! **  
**THANK YOU!  
THANK YOU!  
Alright, I'm done with my rapture, have fun with the next chapter!**

* * *

My hands shake.  
First slowly, then faster and faster a bead of sweat runs down my forehead.  
Everything's spinning around me.  
"A-are-e you-u oka-a-y?" Spencer's words blur together, I can't understand a single thing. He reminds me of an alien, now that everything's fuzzy. While everything around me is a big blur my mind is clearer than ever.  
_You're next._  
I'm not sure what to do. Just press play again, or wait? Get comfortable? Do I want Reid sitting beside me while I listen to it? I don't know. The only thing that eases me is the fact that I'm not number 7. Of course, I could have figured it out before, as Spencer told me I was the fifth person he had to follow but I just realized it.  
"Press play."  
Spencer's voice sounds normal again, no blurring or stuff like that. His alien-head is gone now.  
I swallow and take a deep breath, then I bring myself to push the button.

A sigh at first.

The next on my list.

I can hear her swallow. Why am I so different?

_The next one on my list doesn't belong on this tapes._

What?

_Well, he does but not this way. Not the way the others do. The next on my list is Derek Morgan._

I hold my breath. Knowing that you're next is hard, but to hear that she actually says it… There are no words to describe how I feel.

_Derek Morgan. The guy with the thousand watt-smile. The guy with the hot temper. The guy with the caring eyes._

Why do you tell me that, Emily?

_It took me a long time to figure out where to put you, Derek. You don't fit in here, you're not on the timeline. I've always told you, you're a good guy. Maybe too good. And I don't know if you're killing me or making me stronger._

What the hell are you talking about?

_I know you had a crush on me. Gosh, I'm sorry to blurt it out like that._

Why do you know that? I thought I had been so good at hiding. It hurts me to know, that all my efforts were in vain.

_But your crush is what got you on these tapes. I know that you fell for me after I almost quit. But that's not what's important._

What is important, Emily? Tell me.

_I told you your crush is the reason you're on these tapes, so I guess I owe you an explanation. I wanted you to hear all of this because you need to know why I've never been able to return your feelings for me. It's not that I didn't want to…_

Didn't want to?

_…Oh damn it, I wish I was better at telling people how I feel._

For some time I just hear her breath and it calms me.

_Let me explain it like this: I'm afraid of being forgotten. That's because it seems that everyone I've ever gotten close to ended up forgetting me._

I press my lips together and close my eyes to stop my tears from falling. It's all breaking through the surface now, mine and hers.

"Bring me to the cemetery." I choke out and Spencer nods.  
_  
What I'm trying to say is, maybe there could have been an _us_, maybe, in another universe but not here. Not this way. My life was already too messed up by the time I met you. Even if I wanted it sometimes no matter how many eyelashes or dandelion seeds you blow, no matter how much of your heart you tear out and slap on your sleeve, it just ain't gonna happen . And I'm sorry for that._

Sorry? She's sorry?!

"We're here."  
I look out the window and recognize the big gate of the cemetery.  
"Thank you." I mumble and open the car door. I find my way without even looking.

_And if it's not too much to ask, do me a favour.  
Tell Penelope and Rossi how sorry I am, that I'm leaving them alone like that. I know they cared, but it just wasn't enough._

I'm standing in front of her headstone.

_And one last thing. I know that you often have nightmares. If you dream about me…make it a good dream._

Click.

That's it. That's everything she had to say about me. This can't be it. No way. I feel anger rise and the hot temper she talked about is showing.  
My first whisper is quiet while I stare at her headstone. "How dare you…?" Tears burn my eyes and my fists clench.  
"Tell her. It's alright to hate her." Spencer's voice sounded behind me but I don't turn around. "You should hate her." Something in his voice tells me, he's not meaning it the way he says it. "When my grandparents died, I hated them. I was alone and I hated them!" I understand what he's trying to tell me.  
"How can you do that?!"  
I don't care if anybody except for Spencer hears me, they can know how angry I am. "How dare you just leaving me like that?!" I fall to my knees and bang against the headstone. "How can you leave me all alone?!" Tears spill out of my eyes and run over my cheeks. "I need you! Come back to me!"  
I feel skinny arms wrap around me and hear a quiet a whisper. "It's okay."  
"Not, it's not okay! She did that and didn't think what would happen to me! How can she leave me and think I can live without her?"  
The world seems to stop spinning as I sit in front of her grave. The anger subsides and there's only sadness and grief left.  
Spencer guides me back to the car and starts driving. I don't know where, he's just driving. He's quiet and gives me the chance to stare out of the window and miss her. And while I stare a question floods around in my mind, that I can't find an answer to.  
If you give someone your heart and they die, do they take it with them?  
Will I spend the rest of my life with a hole inside me that can't be filled?

"I don't want to keep listening." I say and stare at Spencer. "Just tell who I have to send the tapes to so I can get it over with."  
"You know I can't. That's not what she would have wanted."  
I swallow. He's right, but I don't think I can survive another story. I'm close to give up, but then I remember why I held on for this long, why I kept listening.  
I sit up straight and swallow my tears. I'll show the world and more important I'll show Emily that I'm not giving up. No matter what.  
Before I hit the play button again.  
_  
Alright. Now we've been corny enough for the rest of these tapes. Next one. JJ, my dear-_

I hit stop. JJ?  
JJ is next?

* * *

**JJ? Yep, I'm surprised myself… but well, I hope you leave a review and wait patiently for the next chapter!  
Love you guys, really, especially lizzabet you helped me with this chapter! I really enjoy our little chats, thank you! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Alright, here it goes! Enjoy!**

* * *

No. Everybody, but not JJ. I can't believe how she turns my whole world upside down. What gives her the right to change everything I thought was true? Suddenly left is right and north is south. Will I ever be able to look at JJ again, or will her eyes now always remind me of all of this? Working with all those people, seeing them on daily bases will take away my chance to find closure one day. Why did she take that away from the people listening to the tapes? Is it her kind of revenge? Can she control our lives even from the grave? I can't figure it out, at least not now. First I need to know JJ's part.

_JJ, my dear. When I first met you I never thought that you'd ever be a part of my whole mess. The girl from next door. You're just so nice and sweet, right?  
Wrong.  
I can't say you're a bad person, you're not but your overcredulous. You believe people that can't be trusted, and that's why you're listening to all of this.  
After Jordan's rumours got to you you distanced yourself from me. You didn't like to be seen with _someone like me.  
_That's why you left me hanging at Sandy's. I thought you'd at least call, make up an excuse but…you didn't._

I noticed that JJ hadn't been talking to Emily as much as they used to but I thought they had worked it out. I never heard that she just stood her up like that.

_And while I waited I wrote this poem, in one of their scribble books, the pink one I think, page 51._  
_And yes, my lovely listeners, I want you to go to Sandy's and read it. If you're already there, let me give you a recommendation, they have excellent burgers. If you still feel like eating, that is_.

No, I don't feel like eating. The thought of food makes me want to throw up, and now that she mentions it I open the window so the cool wind blows into my face but my stomach is still upset.

_Now while I wait for you to get to Sandy's let me tell you a little bit about the main part of this tape. Jennifer "JJ" Jareau. Very popular, the woman everyone likes. And you had a thing for our supervisor. And that's why you were so angry. You were angry, weren't you? You must have been 'cause the the next day, and now let me tell you something ahead of our story, when I went to my desk the picture of us was gone. I mean, the frame was still there but the picture was gone. We took it on the evening we messed with Brad. An evening were my live still had order, had meaning. Look JJ, I needed these pictures. They were one of the only things that reminded me that there was still something worth living for, something that gave me hope. And you just decided that I didn't deserve this hope._

I can't see it. I can't see JJ doing that. All I thought I knew about the people around me comes crashing down on. Is that it? Is life just a stage and we all play a role, hiding who we really are?  
_  
Did it make you feel better, JJ? Did it make you feel better than Emily "Bitch" Prentiss? Oh, oops, yes, _Jay_, I remember that name._

I flinch at both names. Emily "Bitch" Prentiss was something I heard around the office, mostly the breakroom. But what really bothers me is _Jay_. Emilys nickname for JJ. As soon as she gets these tapes she will flinch, just like I did. Probably even more.  
I feel something taping on my shoulder. Reid. I turn my head to face him.  
"What is it?"  
He indicates for me to look out of the window and I see it. Sandy's. Questioningly I look at Spencer. How did he know? He seems to understand what I want to know.  
"It was more of an instruction than a list of names." He smiles sadly and I thank him before getting out of the car. I step into the small diner and sit down on one of the tables.  
_  
But now let's get back to Sandy's. Table number five if I remember correctly._

Now guess were I'm sitting. Table number five. Lucky me.

_You already have the scribble book?_

The scribble book! I stand up and get it from a small book shelf. When I come someone else is sitting on the table. I throw an angry glance at the woman and she glares back smugly. There are a lot of people so that I have to sit behind the counter.

_Yeah, I'm sure you got it now. Page 51._

I open the book and recognize Emily's handwriting immediately.

_I remember it, every line, every word._

I start reading, quietly, but I wouldn't even need to, she recites it on the tapes.

_Inside my skin there is a place._

_It twist and turns it bleeds and aches._

_Inside my hollow heart, there's an empty room._

_It's waiting for lightning, it's waiting for you_

_And I'm waiting, and I'm needing you here_

_Inside I'm only filled with fear_

I stare at her handwriting. A very feminine and ornate writing.  
_  
Now JJ, you always remind me of something my father said.  
"Be careful who you trust, because trust needs years to be built and just one second to break."  
He was right, 'cause that afternoon I came to your house and asked you why you're been acting so strange lately and the moment I looked into you baby-blue eyes I knew it was about the rumours. I wanted to know if you believed them and you just hemmed and hawed._

I finally understand what _Martin Luther King Jr_. meant when he said:  
_In the end we will not remember the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends._

_You really did believe that what they said was true. You rather believed in something that you heard than someone you had known for 5 years. Someone you called your _**friend**_.  
__I felt betrayed and that sad thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. What you did was just the tip of the iceberg but as a matter of fact the tip is what you see. And began to see it. I realized that I didn't want to keep living anymore. I knew everything was just going to get worse so why bother?  
__I thought I knew the world, knew myself, my best friend but it turned out that I knew nothing at all.  
__So what is it that makes you so special Jennifer? Well, I would have taken a bullet for you, but unfortunately, you were the one pulling the trigger.__  
_

When the tape ends I sit still behind the counter. A strong throbbing behind my eyes stops me from thinking too much about the last tape. I press my fingers against my temples to make it go away.  
My subconscious mind keeps spouting out facts but I have no idea what they mean.

**120 West**

**Jennifer Jareau **

**Norfolk, VA 23523**

**Berkley Avenue**

Suddenly I realize what it is. Those are parts of an address. JJ's address. She's the one I have to send the tapes to. She's the one who will sit in here next, listing to Emily blaming her, wondering if she is number 7 or if she's just a gap filler. Tomorrow she's the one that will find a shoebox on her porch. JJ will have to make up something to explain to her son why she's listening to tapes instead of playing with him and why the shock is so clearly written all over her face. What she won't be able to explain is why she will never be the same again.  
Is that fair, Emily?  
I don't know. I can't say what's right or wrong anymore. All I know is that there's only one story left so I turn the tape. Who's next?  
Which reputation are you shattering next, Emily?

* * *

**Guess, we already know that, huh? Last guy, lucky number seven: Aaron Hotchner! Hope you are excited and leave a review!  
(The poem is from Jewel though I changed the last sentence.)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Well, here's the last chapter. Enjoy!**

* * *

Last one. I grasp the tape tightly in my hand. I wanna know what has been the last straw, I wanna know it so badly, but still, as soon as I'm done with the last tape I have to send it to JJ and then Emily will be gone for good. I know it's creepy, she's still dead but hearing her voice makes me feels as if she's walking beside me, telling be her story. I caught myself trying to reach out for her, trying to take her hand but all I would feel was the cold winters air. I'm fighting the urge to press play but at some point I can't resist it anymore and her voice fills my again.

_I can't believe it._

I can here she's whispering. Why?_  
_

_If you're listening to this, I really did it. I planned on doing it tonight, but…_

There's hesitation in her voice and for a second it fills me with hope, maybe something can persuade her to stay; but then it hits me. I _am _listening to this. It's too late.

_I'll give it one last try. Life, I mean, one last chance. If I'm sitting here tomorrow and I smile at you when you come in then it's gonna be a real smile, I promise. Maybe he can help me smile again.  
But I'm getting my hopes up here. I mean, what are the chances that he can really show me a way out of this? Slim._

Come on Emily, whoever he is, have a little faith in him.

_But I promised to try it, so here I am. Let's go._

There is some rustling like she's putting the recorder into a bag of sorts and the the clicking of her heels on the floor. And knock on the door and a quiet "Come in"

I know this kind of "come in". That's my boss. That is Aaron Hotchner.

She doesn't leave time for going into shock because I hear a door closing and she speaks again.

_You have a second?  
_**-Of course, take a seat.**

Their voice sounds muffled, it must be because of the bag.

_Uhm, I don't quite know how to approach this whole thing.  
_**-Just name it.**_  
You know that, when you feel like you're… I don't know, suffocating?  
__**-**_**Emily?**I'm surprised he uses her first name, he must have felt something was wrong.

_Since our kiss-_

I knew. I knew she kissed Hotch that night. We all knew, and still we made more of it than it actually was.

_it's been…different.  
_**-Emily.**_**  
**_

The way he says it, he's reprimanding her, telling her not to mention it. That's not the Hotch she needs right now. She would have needed empathy, understanding. The way Hotch was treated didn't change after the rumors, it had always been her fault. And I didn't do anything against it. _**  
**_

I know you don't want to talk about it. And you don't have to. I just wanted somebody to know that maybe…maybe I can't do it anymore.

**-Do what?**She's hesitating. For a while there's only here quiet breathing.

_Life._

Silence. A long one. A suffocating one. I wouldn't know what to say either.

**That's kind of extreme, don't you think. Just because a few rumors?  
**_  
_  
He doesn't believe her. For god's sake, she's serious! Talk to her! Tell her that you're gonna help her! Say that everything's gonna be alright!

_It's not just the rumors.  
_**-Maybe, but Emily, suicide?  
**_ Yeah. You're right. Suicide is a strong word. I'm sorry to bother you._

No. Wait. He can't let her leave like that.  
STOP HER, HOTCH!

**-Emily-  
**_No. You're right. It's foolish.  
_**  
**  
I can hear her standing up. She must have taken the bag because he can barely understand what Hotch is saying.  
I just want him to stop her. Telling her what the plan is, to get her back to her feet.

_Have a good night, Hotch._

The door closes again, and for a time it's quiet until I hear the familiar _ding _of the elevator.

_I'm not stepping in. Not yet. Maybe he'll stop me._

The way it remains quiet, I know he doesn't. I know that I wouldn't see her on her desk the next day, that the smile she talked about was nothing but an illusion.

_No. He's not coming. He doesn't believe I'm serious. He doesn't care enough to stop me._

Of course he does! At least I want to believe that. I want to believe that she stopped and talked to Hotch. I want her to sit on her desk tomorrow_. _And that's because Hotch failed. He failed her. He let her down.  
That's not something she said but I know everybody who listens to this will think it.

_I don't know what else to say. This is it ... I'm sorry._

* * *

A soft click resounds in my ears.  
It's over.  
Wow, I never thought that silence could be this loud. It booms inside my head and echoes behind the headset.  
I don't want to think about it anymore. There's nothing left to say, nothing left to feel. The woman I love is gone so what is there left to do?  
I stare ahead at the wall until someone taps onto my shoulder. I take of the headphones and turn around.  
"I'm sorry, sir. We're closing."  
I look around and see an empty room. I nod and place the money on the counter in front of me. Wordlessly I step outside and a wave of cold air hits me.  
I don't know what to do. I don't wanna go home.  
"Derek!"  
I freeze until she stands right in front of me, staring into my eyes questioningly.  
"Derek Morgan, would you please talk to me?"  
"Penelope?"

* * *

"What are you doing here?"  
I shrug and the way she looks at me I know she knows I'm thinking about Emily.  
"C'mon. We're going somewhere."  
"Somewhere?"  
Instead of answering me she grabs and pulls me along the street. We don't talk until I find myself in front of the cemetery again.  
"Penelope, I've already been here today." I say and shake my head with a sigh.  
She doesn't listen to me and for her sake I walk to the headstone with her. She holds my hand a little tighter and watches the sky.  
"You think she's up there? Watching over us?"  
When she looks back at me she has tears in her eyes. I put my hand around her shoulders and gaze up at the stars. And somehow I just know she's looking down and keeping an eye on us. And it makes me miss her a little less because I know she's never really gone.  
"Yeah, babygirl. I'm sure she is."  
She pulls me in an embrace and I press a kiss to her head.  
And while I hold her and she holds me, a wave of feelings rolls over me.  
Pain, love, fear, longing… and there's something I didn't expect to be there.  
Hope.

_Just close your eyes_  
_The sun is going down_  
_You'll be alright_  
_No one can hurt you now_  
_Come, morning light_  
_You and I'll be safe and sound_  
-_Taylor Swift - safe and sound _

* * *

**I really wanted to thank all of you. There has been so much support for this story I don't even know what to say so let's leave it at THANK YOU.  
I really hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
A new story is gonna be up soon but I want to finish all I have posted till now, there's gonna be one Hotly and one Demily, hope you take a look.  
But well, that's it, I love you guys and hope I see some of your reviews on my other stories!  
xoxo**


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